Am I trying too hard? Perhaps I am. The more I try to forget, the more it seems like your stuck in my fucking mind. Yet I can't just sit back and do nothing.. I still can't get over the fact that your gone all so sudden.

To say the truth, I recently started having this minor "crush" or some shit on a guy. At first I thought it was good. I felt really happy. I thought I had moved on, or at least open my heart again. And than a week later I realized 'm wrong. 'm just using him as a substitution. Perhaps he reminds me of you whenever I see him. It just this weird feeling. And when reality sinks in that his not you, my heart really aches again.

There are many things I wish I could undo. But obviously saying allthis won't bring back time. But I can't help but question myself : why did you left me hanging there out of the blue without saying a goodbye. It's like one min we were sweet and lovey dovey, and the next min? You just disappeared out of my life completely. All those hours and time om late night phone call, spent on talking and imagining about "our" future together, it was just gone in that one second. In that one sentence : break up. And everything we had before just vanished into nothing. Why am I still brooding over a relationship that ended so long ago. Like everything just felt so yesterday. Your face, your scent , still vividly etched in the clear outst of my memory.

Your out there prolly not even giving a single fucking damn about me anymore. Looking forward to your new life in poly, and very soon your gonna male new friend and by than, 'm sure I would be just an insignificant past of your life. And that thought really frightens me. It's like 'm scared of you forgetting me, scared of losin someone I no longer have.How ironic.

You promised that we would still talk, but look where your promises lead me to? Non where. I tried to start a convo with you several times, but to only be met with cold replies, like 'm just a effing nuisance. I didn't gave up talking to you, I just didn't want to be a clingy ex girlfriend anymore. I guess you need your own life too. The one without me in it. I know. Your better off like that. I kept telling myself that if you bothered, you would have texted me. I stopped myself From making the first move because I always end up with the same old outcome.

I really wonder if god is playing a trick on me sometimes, forbidding me to give you up and just wallow myself inthis misery. It's like whenever I made up my mind to give you up, you just have to appear right in front of my eyes the very next day and everything would just come flooding back. Once. Twice. Thrice. Seriously what is this? Coincidental? Why the fuck is fate so cruel. You just have to make him appear exactly on those days when I tried my best to let go? How funny y'know.

Plus the fact that I don't get to see him often. It suck. Everyday 'm just praying silently inside that I would somehow see you in the middle of some where, just to even cath a glimpse of you would be fine. I really miss you. I can't deny that fact. I really wish someday time would heal these wounds. Because late at night, this wounds really tear open. I need distractions constantly to tear my attention away. I appear to be fine because it's no point crying everyday for someone who is as good as gone forever.. I don't even know how to express how 'm feeling in words. I wish you took away all the memories too when you left. That way it wouldn't be so hurting as compared to now. Used to have someone there for me 24/67 and now yes I still do. But the feeling is just not the same anymore.

Someone once asked me : if someday he loves you again, are you sure you want him back?
I thought about that question real long and I realized, yes I still do. Because I know nobody's gonna replace you for a long time. You made merealize how important you are.

Seeing couples everywhere, you don't know how envious I am. How nice it would be to receive your hugs AMD kisses aaim. But those can only stay ad an illusion. Dreams are so much better than reality. Because in my dreams, we are at least talking and close, unlike the harsh reality, where we are strangers...

I love you. X