Disappointment

I feel disappointed. With myself. For not putting in enough effort this time. Le sigh. I am always letting distractions get the better out of me. Where the hell is my self control. That's not my standard. I could have done better.... Because that's never the best. I am never satisfied. I always want the best, yet I don want to put in my 100% effort. Hell shit. What naive and stupidity. The stress is really starting to eat into me. I try to push myself but 'm really tired. I almost gave up on my physics paper 2 today.. I really wanted to just sit there and not do the paper anymore. Everything seems to alien in the paper. The subject that I used to ace in pretty easily.... Idk what grade am I suppose to expect this time. EVEN, yes even if I actually do score a okay grade, solely by PURE LUCK for this physics preliminary, I know it isn't my best. Blame myself for not putting in any effort to study it. For slacking the previous day, merely flipping through the textbook and not reading up much. Yes my results are mostly above average.... But I want more. I will never be satisfied until my grades all hit perfection. Sorry but this is human nature.. I guess. Yet I don't have the drive to push myself. There's still two month to o level. Idk how long I can last. I really want a single digit L1R5. I wanna make my parents proud.. I wanna make those ppl who fucking look down on me regret on their words. But the more I look at it.. The more I think it's impossible. Even my Maths is deproving... It might not seems like on the surface. But I know myself best, I know my standard. I can feel it sliding down when I do practice papers. It's so frustrating when every question is wrong, when I hit with endless questions of uncertainty. Screw it.